How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
