i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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