so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
