I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
