It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
