I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
