shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
