I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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