i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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