Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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