just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
