Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
