It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
