That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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