you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
