He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
