You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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