I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
