Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
