I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
