I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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