my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
