i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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