If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
