In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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