Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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