I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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