im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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