Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
