just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
