Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
