I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
