u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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