I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
