what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
