I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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