I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
