I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
