you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
