How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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