I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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