Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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