I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
