I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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