What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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