is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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