Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
