update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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