so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
