I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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