i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
