I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How does one acquire holy water?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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