yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
