One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
