there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
