true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize