We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
