Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
