2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
