Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We're too hungover to prance.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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